What I Learned from Action Movies
Author Unknown
- No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
- To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so
tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
- There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed
with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
- If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
- If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
- If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
adore me.
- If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in love with me.
- Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
- If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
- My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for
me before I kill him with my bare hands.
- When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which
will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
- I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if
black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through
the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
- If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
- If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
gaze at me adoringly.
- If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
gaze at me adoringly.
- If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then
try to kill me.
- If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
- Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and
ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when
I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those
things either.
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