Me vs. Garfield

by Julia L. Nielsen

"Julia. You won't believe who is in town and wants you to do an interview with them!" Laura practically screamed in my ear. She seemed so excited.

"Ok, I give up. Who?"

"Good ole' Garfield the Cat." My eyes widened, and I sat up straight. "You've got to hurry though, he's leaving in one hour." I thanked my best friend and took off to the address she gave me. I wanted to interview this lazy, good for nothin' cat for years! Here was my chance!

I arrived in the lobby where I was to do the interview. I took out my handy recorder and pushed play. The dopey cat stared at me.

"Ok, first of all Garfield," I said rather haughty.  He put on his black shades and crossed his fat striped legs. "Why is it that every time someone sees you, you are sleeping? Huh? Tell me that. Tell me why you are so cruel to poor Jon. He is someone to you know."

"Listen lady. I'm a cat. Cats are supposed to be lazy and sleep all the time. Plus, Jon is a nobody! Heck, he can't even get a date, so chill out. If you don't like me, tell it to my creator."

"Fine," I said. "Another thing, are you ever going to get those dang mice out of the house. I swear you act like you're in co-hoots with the stupid mice."

"Yeah, well, that's life toots." He sat back, licking his fur with his long, pink tongue. I shivered in disgust.

"Why is it that cats are so afraid of water? You freak anytime someone even turns on the water." I waited for him to answer.

"All cats hate water. It's in our genes." He looked at me smugly and I wanted to tear off those silly glasses and ring his orange fur until it all fell out. I decided I had better cool it with the nasty comments.

"Garfield," I said, trying to compose myself. "Do you do anything besides, eat, sleep, and make trouble?" I cleared my throat. "I meant do you have a life?" Oops...I blew it again. Garfield glared at me with the beady whites of his eyes. "Garfield, listen, this won't work. I despise you like I despise a big, ugly wart at the end of my nose. So, I will ask you a few more questions and then you can leave." I think that was the shortest interview I ever did.

"Do you think your pretty clever appearing on mushy birthday and holiday cards? Do you think little kids will ooh and aah over you, huh? Do you?" Garfield snapped his sharp daggered fingers and instantly two bull dogs were at his side.

"Listen crazy woman. These two dogs will rip you in two, if you don't shut your mouth now." He hissed at me. I stared at the dogs. They looked like all Garfield had to do was snap his fingers again and I would be lunchmeat.

"Ok. Sorry Garfield." I said through clenched teeth. "Why is it that you love lasagna so much and other cats hate it?"

"What, you think I can think on my own? Come on lady. I got a make-up designer, clothes designer, speechwriter, heck--someone made me up, you loony tune! Don't ya know real from fake?" I looked a little embarrassed. I held my head down. He was ruining this stupid interview and making a fool of me, in front of all these people.

"You're right. You ARE just a made-up animal to entertain people. I am a reporter that reports real things, real people. You are not real, so I have no idea why I decided to do this interview. Just one more thing and then I will be on my way..."

"And what might that be toots."

"Don't call me toots! I have a name--a real name--unlike you!" I spat at him. He snapped his fingers and I knew I was in trouble. The dogs came after me, snapping their jaws. I took off and ran down the hall, "You are not real!" I said repeatedly.

Suddenly, I turned around and no one was there. The dogs had disappeared. I couldn't even remember why I was standing there. I left and went back to my office, a little stunned and confused. I sat at my desk and opened up the funnies. What I saw, made my eyes practically pop out of my head; Garfield was at the top of the page with a identical drawing of me, doing an interview with him.

The caption read, "Garfield does an interview with the mentally ill Julia Nielsen, posing as a reporter for the Sun Times..."

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