To go to the top of the page, click the at the end of each limerick, to return to the index page click the   I'm Not A Lawyer Because 6/29/1998 I knew "Dipshit 1" I could pass. I could follow "Snake-in-the-grass." Didn't think I could do The course "Asshole 2" Which is a required Law class. (with apologies to all the lawyers I don't work for) ..... Seplling 7/10/1998 Bad spellers of the world untie! I admit (between you and I) I couldn't figure out What that was about I've got this lysdexia -- sigh. ..... Toes 7/18/1998 I can't sleep if my feet are in sight. I was told that the devil might Come steal all my toes (Why would he want those?) If they were exposed in the night. ..... Dan Quayle 7/23/1998 You, of course, remember Dan Quayle? I've started to send him e-mayle. If he ignores fools, And follows my rools He'll be White House bound without fayle! ..... Corporate Sponsors 8/16/1998 The baseball field's named "Franklin Quest." I think that it would have been best When it was revealed To be F Q Field If they'd said that this was a jest! ..... Are You Being Billed? 8/20/1998 What's okay for President Bill, Perhaps will give others a thrill. It is perjury? Or some sex worry? This whole mess just gives me a chill. People say you've pulled a "Bill Clinton." You will know just what they are hint-on A scandal you've made You are now clichéd They know why your eyes are a-glint-on. "To Bill" takes a whole diff'rent meaning: (It might not be money they're gleaning.) "What hours did you Bill?" "Bills give me a thrill!" Toward Billing he might be leaning. Someone might get Billed in the hot tub. You must be quite careful where you rub! "Has this water chilled? Oh, m'gosh I've been Billed! I have to go home for a quick scrub." I was Billed by "Carpet and Floor" The carpenter Billed me once more. I've Billed for three days I must mend my ways Since my bits are really quite sore. ..... Alien Abduction 8/23/1998 Some aliens abducted me They claim they just wanted to see How my fingers work I just missed the smirk Di'n't know that's where it's mouth would be. They don't know my anatomy That bit's not my finger, you see. Those things are my toes Wait, that is my nose! My body just won't bend in a C. Please don't put that thing in my ear. I know I did not volunteer To be tied in a knot By some little snot Who can't get his space ship in gear. You wait for the climactic ends. You are disappointed, my friends! I've no more to say Re: Alien Way, Or how it was I got the bends. ..... Sugar Blues 8/23/1998 I feel just so rotten tonight. I've been crying. I look a fright. My face paint is smeared. My vision is bleared. My life is a deserted blight. "Oh, Yeah! I've got them Sugar Blues!" It's harder on me than some booze. I fly for a bit Then feel just like shit The only cure is a long snooze I feel much better today I want to pass warning your way Stay away from sugar It's really a boogar Your nerves it will frequently fray. Who needs to take illegal drugs When sugar will give your brain bugs. The crash is so hard It ain't worth it, pard Unless someone is there to give hugs. When sugar is made to appeal Lock makers in the Bastille! Where they can't get out 'Nspread mis'ry about. I eat sugar then I need to heal. This habit I can't seem to break -- It gives me this damn bad headache. I just love the taste Of food sugar-laced! 'Twas SUGAR Eve got from the snake! ..... This Old House 9/1/1998 The faucet is dripping again. Each night it's the same old refrain. I have changed the tap. My fix-it is crap. The dripping just gives me a pain. The air comes in 'round the windows It gets much worse when the wind blows In winter I freeze Then I start to sneeze The cold air ain't good for my nose. The back door fell off just last year. It took almost three months, pert-near, To get all new doors Installed by the stores Who want bucks 'fore they get in gear. The front porch is falling apart. I don't know the carpentry art. "Could you at least paint?" A painter I ain't. Looks like it was built by K-Mart. I need a new floor in the kitchen. You might think that I am just bitchin', The pipes leaked one day-- Lino pealed away. The room does not look very fetchin'. I've lived here forever, it seems. It could be the house of my dreams. (Been having nightmares 'Bout murderous chairs, I wake in the night to my screams.) An old house is hard to maintain. All my money goes down the drain, Or into the walls, The floor, or the halls. I really don't mean to complain! ..... Ads 9/1/1998 You heard 'bout the beer-drinking lizard Who shoved the frog out in a blizzard? Frog said, "Damn his eyes, I'll see that he fries, And I'll be the one eats his gizzard!" ..... Honesty 9/3/1998 I once knew a rotten old miser Who hired me to be his advisor For bucks in my bank I have him to thank He simply was never the wiser. {Honesty is the best policy -- when there's money in it! - Mark Twain} ..... On the Road Again 9/7/1998 Those real men don't ask for directions. They get lost at most intersections. They never backtrack For fear it might smack Of unwanted male imperfections. "Soft Shoulders" it says on the road To my Charlie that's just a goad. "They're advertised here," He says with a leer. "I think I'll buy myself a load!" They all drive like they are berserk There was one particular jerk Who passed on the right Then sped out of sight. I'll see him tomorrow at work. ..... Knitting 10/30/1998 I really need three hands to knit. That means I must use my armpit. One needle clamped there I rock in my chair When my armpit gets sore I quit. ..... Halloweeners 10/31/1998 Our physical attributes might Give some other people a fright But it is not fair For them to just stare Because it is Hallowe'en Night! It is the one time of the year That I can go 'round without fear That someone will gag Or barf in a bag They just say "Great costume, my dear!" ..... Election Day 11/3/1998 Up early and off to the polls Where I choose between jerks and trolls They're in? Vote 'em out! But, please, have no doubt, That this is just one of my goals. {hmmm&ldots;tweedledum or tweedledummer} ..... Poor Neighbor 11/18/1998 The neighbor's security light Shined into my bedroom last night. That means some lil' bimbo Just climbed in his window, And gave my poor neighbor a fright. Don't know why he's so 'fraid of me. I am just as sweet as can be! He slammed down the window On my precious li'l toe. Been limping since last night at three. ..... Happy Holidays 12/16/1998 I wish you a good holiday, With laughter and loving and play. With family around .....Good cheer will abound. Enjoy yourself! That's what I say! Kwanza, Christmas, Chanukah, what You do with whatever you've got: Be joyous and kind. I think you will find That you will be happy -- a lot! .....