Thoughts on Writing

I just can't do it. I wake up and still feel tired. I can't motivate to write. I can't do much more than surf the web. I hit the sack and seem to fall fast asleep but in the morning it's like I never slept. Is this depression? But I don't feel depressed. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. Two weeks of rain doesn't help either. Luckily I find bits of joy that spike sunrays straight to my heart. Sage's squeals and laughter, and this little comic strip I came across when we went over to Park CIty Bread and Bagels for bagels last week. To all of my writer and editor friends, I know you'll get a kick out of this one:

We're Not So Much Alike All The Time

There's something uplifting about a doctor telling you your skin's still youthful as he's checking you out for skin cancer. You gotta think that of all the people that would deal you the brutal truth it would someone at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. But instead of shaking his head at my teen years of stupidity, and telling me I've aged like Robert Redford, he actually sounded impressed. The way he said it gave me the warm fuzzies. I thought about asking him to guess my age had he not seen my chart (and compared to other women he has seen) but I didn't want to push my luck. Besides, I wasn't here for vanity. I was here for sanity. Despite the scariness, I take advantage of Huntsman's once a year free skin cancer checks. My family has a history of melanoma. So far so good for me, but I can't ignore the damage I did before I was even 20. Basking at Malibu with nothing for protection but a string bikini; the only concern in the sun was when the bottle of baby oil got low. One time, I fell asleep and sunburt my eyelids shut! My whole front was so bad, my dad dunked me in a cold bath of white vinegar to neutralize the burn. I stank for a month and to this day, the smell of vinegar turns my stomach. You got it, can't stand Caesar salad. I don't remember my mom ever discussing SPF or sunscreen with me. In fact, I seem to recall she was the one who bought my baby oil. If only I knew then….. On me, tanning is a waste of time anyway. I could nurture a golden brown all summer but the minute I stepped out of the sun, it would begin to fade. By Back to School, it was gone. Kids these days are lucky. They have 'Fake Bake' and Mist on Tans. I tried both during the Sundance Film Fest at Conair's gifting lounge. I swear I got home and Ryan accused me of cheating on him. I had a sweet dark tan and a beautiful new hairdo from a celebrity stylist that was working the Conair room. The tan lasted about two weeks (the hair, eight. Thanks, Marcus!). Given my financial status I don't see me going to a salon on a regular basis to look brown instead of white but the tube of Sunless and Skinny (by Fake Bake) does the trick in a pinch. No way am I letting Sage outdoors without sunscreen. It's so cute right now because she actually asks for it before we get out of the car. She even likes to put it on herself. Ryan is the problem. At 29, he continues to worship the sun. I can speak out my a*^ and he will still skip the sunscreen, use 'tan' and 'healthy' in the same sentence and get on my case for being "white". No amount of statistics, reports or real life stories will smarten him up. Yes, my boyfriend is an idiot on certain levels. I can only hope he keeps his opinions to himself around Sage. While we're on it, he has the same basic attitude about marijuana. Ok, you can close your jaw. He even joked that his teenage cousin who's selling pot to his friends at school ought to move to California and get a license to deal medical marijuana so can't get arrested. Um, I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure there's not a state in this country that allows a 15-year-old to sell pot- legal or otherwise. Talk about setting an example. However, I can't tell you how many of my friends are married to guys that still smoke pot- 30s, 40s, 50s. And they ain't got cancer. Not yet anyway. Ryan stopped smoking around the time we started dating because it's not my thing. But his attitude about it not being bad or addicting or toxic hasn't changed. Yes, it's a hot button topic. I don't necessarily diss people who smoke; many of my friends puff in the trees at various Utah resorts but I won't date them. Anyone who needs a substance (illegal or otherwise) on a regular basis to 'take the edge off' is an emotional retard. Relationships are hard. Ryan's argument is that it's not as bad as cigarettes or alcohol. I don't date drunks or smokers either. Again, I worry that his opinions will sway Sage they way they have his cousin. If anyone can offer a way to debate this argument AND WIN, I'm all ears.

Time For Time

If I can only get one thing done today, it will be to post a new blog.
Sounds like a mantra? I'm starting to search out there for a cure for what I have. I work and work - or at least I think I do- sitting at my computer 10 hours a day, every day (ok maybe it's 5 sometimes), yet none of my projects wrap. And then more roll it. When I finally chip off one, two more appear; like something from the SCiFi Network. I'm told I must have ADHD and Sage's pediatrician can help with that if I pass all of those determination tests. Turns out, I don't have time to take them or I forget and another week passes! Ironic. I can't get help for distraction because I get distracted. LOL.
Monday, the start of what feels like my spring. No snow in my backyard and the wild green grasses bud where the construction dirt from last year hasn't crushed them.
Sage's second winter of her life closes although we may still get in one or two sessions at the Bird before they close on Memorial. She skis now! Can't make the 'pie' to stop but that's what Mommy and Daddy are there for. The kid's got balance and absolutely no sense of danger on sticks. She hasn't had any big crashes and when she touches snow she just raises her palms up for me to dry them off (she doesn't like wearing her gloves when the sun's out).
Sage Update-
Sage is a regular Chatty Kathy. She sings and cheers along to Dora (yes, I know). At 2.5, she's imitating the things we say and do. This weekend she insisted on sitting in the driver's seat (my car was parked), she clicked into the seatbelt, put one hand on the wheel and searched for 'her phone' with the other. "Where's my phone," she asked. "I need my phone." FYI- handsfrees aren't mandatory in Utah yet. She loves being outside, sliding and climbing. Here are some recent pics: http://picasaweb.google.com/mtnmedia/20090422?authkey=Gv1sRgCLjOouXCtK6Sdg&feat=directlink

She'll eat anything if she's in the mood and though we never force her to finish, she has quite the appetite. Sage loves to entertain. I actually think she gets a kick out of hearing all of the oohs and ahhs when she runs up and gives someone a hug.

Ryan update:
Living together has been working out. Our schedules are radically different so that I wind up waking solo, the bed to myself. He leaves at 5:30 a.m. Ugh. Except that I stay up so late that I'm dead to the world when his alarm goes off at 5 a.m.
He still has his job at Fidelity as other heads roll past his cubicle, he plays in a hockey league twice a week, and does his best to pick up after himself and stay clear when I'm out of sorts. Easy going guys rule.

Jill update:
I'm into week four of my 8-week acting class and getting back into the swing of things. Every winter, acting takes a back seat to skiing, but now that I have time, I can play a bit. I even went to the climbing gym on Saturday. I'm still hunting for that balance between being a mom, working and taking care of myself. The latter suffers. I want to exercise more and find time for friends but instead I Facebook and blog. Sigh. Fortunately, I take frequent trips that fulfill the hole for fun and play. We're heading to Cali to see my folks the week of Memorial Day. Disneyland, SeaWorld, LegoLand and long lost roommates from college are on the agenda.
As for work, I've taken on the gig of Associate Editor for MountainGetaway.com and must file weekly reports on hot deals in the Mountain West. This is great because I now make the regular money I thought I'd be losing from Sports Guide.
I also have a giant assignment due next week for National Ski Patrol Magazine and am waiting to here back on two assignments for Sunset Magazine.

Ok, that's life in a nutshell. More to come when I feel inspired! Hope you are all happy, well and shedding those winter shells.

A Moment of Sun

My parents arrived on Saturday to see Sage and spend a spring week in Park City. We did the Smith's rotisserie chicken and some taters thing last night, watched Forbidden Kingdom and off they went into a blizzard to get back to the Westgate Hotel. The call came just minutes later.
Ryan took off (in my car ;) ) with a shovel in hand to dig them out. My mom said she drove the rest of the way back to the Westgate at about 5mph and whiteknuckling all the way. Poor people. Coming from San Diego, they're not used to winter driving. To them, this is 'bad' weather. To skiers, we're in heaven. But, careful what you wish for.
I begged for "one more powder day" and I got two weeks of it! Ryan even took a vacation day from work to play in it last week. I've skied three of the best powder days of the season last week at Snowbird - even filmed at Brighton with Ritchie on Friday with waist deep swirling around me. Yeowza. The driveway had to be plowed three times in the last 24 hours. Need I go on? By Saturday, I was definitely ready to spend the day on the bunny hill with Sage and watch the pond skimmers.
Props to Ryan for being a major gentleman and rescuing my folks when they got their rental car stuck in a snowbank last night. The snow got deeper and deeper throughout the day and, instead of letting up like we thought, it got worse after dinner.Ryan was everyone's hero. I stayed back to watch Sage and clean the kitchen. God how traditional does that sound? When it comes to digging and pushing out a car, he wins. I'm still not changing my mind about his assuming that my car is his (it's not) or him wanting to lean on me before he tries to solve his own problems but I'm no longer angry.
Boy, was I fuming. I did wind up loaning him my car; he thanked me when he got home and I explained that it wasn't the car but his eager willingness to inconvenience me without ever attempting to find a better option (like getting a ride from a co-worker). I told him all he needed to do was to show he had made at least SOME kind of effort. BIG BUTTON issue. I have enough to do in my life without having to deal with damage control of his issues too (at least not before he tries to take care of them himself). We'll see what happens next time, of course, but today, he's my dreamboat again.
Gotta hit the shower now.I took my parents snowmobiling at Deer Valley's Garff Ranch and then we cruised through Kamas like tourists- buying home-smoked jerky and shopping at the New West Country Store. I dropped them at their hotel so I could grab Sage from the sitter's, shower and head back out for dinner. Whew. The last time they were here (a year ago), they complained of boredom. This time, they'll go home needing a vacation! :)

What Should I Do?

Ok, so maybe I'm the biggest bitch on wheels but I can't stand the fact that Ryan can't think or act for himself. It's like he assumes I've replaced his mommy but I'm not his mother and never will be. I don't exist for him; I don't exist to coddle him and make life easy for him. If I wasn't around, sure, he would find a way to handle trials on his own but because I am around and I'm good at navigating life, he sits back and lets me drive. I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE when he can. And, in this case, he can!

His car broke down tonight and he had it towed to a shop that told him it might be fixed tomorrow afternoon. So he spends all night playing hockey and drinking beer with buddies instead of finding a way to get to work in the morning. Why? Because he expects to take my new car and leave me at home all day. Sometimes I never leave the house so I wouldn't miss my car - but that's by choice. The fact that he had plenty of time to contact a co-worker who lives right around the corner from us and who could have given him a ride, leaves me livid. All because he doesn't want to get his ass out of bed a half-hour earlier in the morning?! If I was in the same sitch I would do whatever was easiest for everyone. I would, in fact, get up and catch a ride.
Of course, those who know me are saying, "Riiiight, Jill does what is easiest on her." Yes, to an extent that's true. But I also figure out a way to deal with a situation that makes the most sense for everyone. For example, I don't ask random people for a ride to the airport. I ask around to see if someone is already heading in that direction. If I couldn't get him to the airport, Ryan would park his car at the ParknJet even if it meant paying for a week there before he would try to find a ride. Instead of borrowing Ryan's car all the time while mine was getting fixed, I rented from Enterprise and they picked me up. If I'm hungry, I make myself something to eat. If Ryan's hungry, he'll order delivery or drive somewhere and buy himself dinner before he'd make even a sandwich or can of soup. He's wired to expect me (or women in general) to take care of him.

It would have been easier for Ryan to simply get a ride from someone who is already going in to his office but he's being selfish and expects me to enable his laziness. He'd rather assume I'll come to his rescue than for him to go out of his way and make some phone calls.
This is the same sh*t he did when he got his DUI and lost his license FOR THREE YEARS. He expected me to chauffeur him around instead of trying to catch rides from those heading in the same direction. In fact, there were more than a few times when I called MY friends and asked them to give him a ride because he "didn't want to impose on anyone." But it's ok to impose on me? Why is it that being a girlfriend means getting the raw end of the deal? Is it too much to ask to be treated the way he might treat a friend? With concern over imposing? Granted, the definition of "relationship" is 'never feeling like you're imposing' but that attitude truly sucks.

Would Ryan do the same for me?
The answer's yes. If I needed his car- for whatever reason- he would have me drive him to work (at 5:30 a.m.), drop him off and take his car. He wouldn't think twice about it. Wait a minute! Would he call and get a ride in to work and leave his car for me? Uh Uh. So I guess we can't say he'd do the same for me. Anyway, back to the analogy- he lends me his car when I won't lend mine. If it were that simple (and it NEVER is), of course he could take my car and I stay home for a day. The point I'm trying to make is that it's not about the car. It's about his unwillingness to use anyone but me. If he had made even a little effort to find a ride, I would have been willing to help. But no, he goes out and f*7ks around all night then comes home and asks for my car keys.
I've never been much of a sharer so you can't take my stuff without my permission and assume it's cool and you can't guilt me into giving it over. (Which he is now relentlessly doing.) I have to want to share.

He wants - and expects - me to carry his ass and it drives me nuts. Why are the men I date so unresourceful and ineffective?? I guarantee you that he plans to call in sick tomorrow rather than get up early and call his friend for a ride; just to try to make me out as the bad guy and subsequently blame me for the reason he lost a sick day. After six years, I know that program.

5 minutes later:

Looks like I was right (of course). He just walked into my office to announce he's "going to be hanging out" with me tomorrow. He's calling in sick.
What do I do, people? Let him lose the day and forever be the crappy girlfriend? Or give in and enable him to pull this act yet again?

Is Winter Over?

Totally fun weekend but I'm making this short and sweet cause this damn site just jettisoned my beautiful entry and forced me to rewrite everything- which I won't. No new snow since Tuesday. All's heating up super quick and super sick. Did a PSIA clinic up at Powder Mountain today and got a peek at the final day of the SuperFly snowkite event. If Pow wasn't two hours away, I might try to get back up there before the snow's gone and take a kite lesson. Powder is the first resort to designate a dedicated zone for snowkiting and Best Kites has set up a demo and training center up there for seasonal flying.
Groomers were sweet and soft. Off-piste, not so much. Yet our group leader forced us into the muck. Something about how it brings out the best in us because it forces you to focus on what your feet and legs are doing to survive. Riiiiight. Chunky, unforgiving, leg-turning rotten crud. It began to mush up by 2 p.m. and be more like spring slush but only had one run left in me by then. Now't he best time to take the tot skiing. Everytime Sage sees me dressed for the hill, she asks to come along. We finally took her up to Silver Lake Village at Deer Valley where I knew we could easily play on the magic carpet up there. She had a blast and so did we. This was her first time skiing in front of me (I skied backwards to keep her from taking off down the hill).
More to come I'm sure now that it's sooooo warm out.

Solitude is the Bomb!

I am so ashamed! Ashamed that I haven't stopped in to ski Solitude until now. I love that resort and yet it stands like PlanB whenever I'm packing up the gear for a day out. Shame on me! I know better. Solitude is the place to head when it dumps all night. Little Cottonwood Canyon will either be closed first thing in the morning for avi control or there's a snakelike slither all the way up to the parking lots for Snowbird and Alta because, well, that's where everyone seems to gravitate towards.
On the other hand, Solitude is smooth sailing. Rarely does the road close and even less frequently is there traffic. Plus, there's never a wait in a lift line and plenty of fresh lines to be had long after the other resorts are tracked out.
I hit it early this week after the first series of storms washed through the Wasatch. Wahoo! I had the place to myself. Ski-on rides at all of the lifts and not a soul to cross my path.
Some may complain that most of Solitude's chairs (especially the ones toward the summit) are ancient and slow but when you're not standing in a line and letting your legs unflare, high-speed quads can be the death of you. I say you need the rest.
My day at Solitude began straight out the gates at Powderhorn into Honeycomb's Black Forest. I had my choice of tree shots and face shots. I had a powder 'stash on my face all the way to the Honeycomb Express lift. The snowy weather turned to heavy at times by the afternoon, yet most of the resort was open for skiing. Only Evergreen was closed. Run after run, I hooted to myself, bemused that others weren't in on my secret. How could this be?
I finally waited at the bottom of Powderhorn until I had someone to share the lift with (I was getting kind of lonely). A patroller skied up and took me under his wing. He guided me through two outrageously ripping runs under the lift just before the mountain closed for the day. His Igneous rockers blew up cold smoke as I hunkered down and tried to keep up. My spirit soared. This is how a real ski day in Utah feels. As I waved bye and beelined for the parking lot, I thought, I'm coming back tomorrow for sure. I may have been late to rediscover Solitude but I wasn't done after just one day. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend, who has a pass to Alta, is gunning for Solitude today instead. It's a holiday weekend and it snowed last night. Duh. Smart skiers go to Big Cottonwood on these days. He's not about to waste precious turns waiting for the Canyon to open or standing in gigantic liftlines all day long. Solitude is the call.

P.S. A cute new mini mart just opened in BCC. Kickers Backcountry Market is the perfect place to grab a drink or coffee for the ride home. It's filled with tasty snacks and pastries from Beverly Hill's Cakes in Salt Lake City and the new owner loves to chat so pop in and say hi. They also carry your mountain basics in case you forgot something at home like your goggles, backpack, water, handwarmers, etc. Kickers is on your left, just before the Silver Fork Lodge as you head down the Canyon.