Zen Nuddhist Notes
Collected essays, mostly from The Naturist. In roughly reverse order of appearance (most recent first).
WASHINGTON, DC -- April 1, 2001.
Planning on attending the 2002 Winter Olympics in Utah? If you go bar-hopping, you can pack fewer clothes thanks to a Supreme Court decision.
The court ruled 8-1 today that a Utah law intended to prohibit alcohol in venues that allow nude dancing actually requires patrons to be nude in venues that serve alcohol. Utah State Senate President Al Mansell, R-Sandy, disavowed any Republican responsibility for the law, noting that like most laws in Utah, it had been written by lobbyists.
"Hey, we just pass 'em," Mansell said. "We don't get paid to read 'em."
Dallin Oaks, spokesman for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the church formerly known as "The Mormons"), said that although the church never takes positions on such matters, the law had been drafted by a custodian in the church's public relations department and had somehow been passed to Representative Thomas V. Hatch, R-Panguitch.
Hatch said that he saw no harm in the bill and had caused it to be passed into law without a committee hearing or public debate. "We've been doing this in Panguitch all along. We don't have a problem with 'the Scotch Hop,' either," he said, referring to a Utah state law that requires purchasers of mini-bottles at restaurants to balance the bottles on their heads and hop back to their tables on one foot to demonstrate their sobriety.
W. Andrew McCullough, the former Libertarian Party candidate for Utah attorney general who represents strip clubs and other adult-oriented businesses in the state, said the ruling opened new opportunities for his clients. "Several restaurants have been in touch with the strip clubs, offering to pay dancers to come by and dine," he said. "You can imagine the jiggle generated by 'the Scotch Hop.'"
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia said that since the law might be applied to Catholic Mass, it was obviously unconstitutional.
"Do I run around naked?" wrote Scalia. "Of course not. I've never been naked in my life. And neither has the Pope. Therefore, it's wrong."
BOSTON, Mass -- April 1.
Clothing has been proved hazardous to mental health, the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine reported in its April issue, which hit the newstands today. In Washington, DC, consumer advocate Ralph Nader charged that clothing industry executives had been engaged in a massive cover-up to keep this information from the public. "Kathie Lee Gifford has a lot to answer for," he said.
Top Sears executive Arthur Martinez said that, although he had not read the article, his top textile scientists had assured him that the research was inconclusive. In response to a question as to whether clothing is habit-forming, Martinez said he was positive it was not. When challenged to disrobe to prove it, he scowled and bolted from the news conference podium. He was later seen leaving the building in a hat, topcoat, and gloves. "What can I say?" Dr. B. Franklin, a co-author of the NEJM report said. "The guy is obviously in deep denial."
Attorney General Janet Reno said from her office hot tub that the research could have far-reaching legal implications. "We're looking to overturn the State of Indiana versus Glen Ellen Theater," which allows states to regulate nudity, she said. "The majority opinion was obviously written by some demented textile addict." Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion, responded "Do I run around naked? Of course not. I've never been naked in my life. And neither has the Pope. This is all some kind of anti-Catholic plot."
Dr. E. McPherson, another co-author of the report, said that heavy research in the legal office of the American Council for Families was key to the findings and that the first and most obvious sign of clothing addiction was the complete withering of the sense of humor. Pointing to the drafters of anti-nude legislation at ACF, Dr McPherson said, "These clowns wouldn't know a joke if it came up and bit 'em in the ass."
The ACF could not be reached for comment. A janitor-spokesman said that the entire staff was out getting tetanus shots and lobbying congress for a bill requiring all jokes to be leashed and muzzled.
[Filed by our Domestic War Correspondent, Captain Curmudgeon.]
WASHINGTON -- 1 April.
The Supreme Court ruled today that states that prohibit simple nudity must pay the clothing costs of committed nudists living within or passing through their borders. In the 8 - 1 decision, the justices cited the principle espoused by the 1994 Republican congress that new laws that impose burdens must be accompanied by funding to pay for those burdens.
"Men are born nude, yet everywhere they are in three-piece suits," wrote Justice David H. Souter for the majority. "Someone must pay."
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia said that since he didn't like nudity and that it was therefore a sin and a crime, that the government be required to clothe all babies in the womb so that they would not be born nude.
"Do I run around naked?" wrote Scalia. "Of course not. I've never been naked in my life. And neither has the Pope. Therefore, it's wrong."
While announcing the decision, Chief Justice William H. Rhenquist commented on Salia's opinion by saying "Half of us are naked under these robes right now." Justice Clarence Thomas added that he hadn't worn pants to work in a decade.
Meanwhile, the heads of major clothing retail chains hailed the decision. "Come in naked and leave looking like Beau Brummel", top Sears executive Arthur Martinez said. "Your AANR card is as good as VISA," a Nordstroms spokesman said. "We'll send the bills right to the state capitol."
At the present, National Nude Weekend seems to be it for Naturists. I'd like to propose three new observances, two of which are minor adjustments to existing celebrations.
First, the completely new one. Let's make the Perseids The Official Nude Meteor Shower. The Perseids come in mid-August, an excellent time to be nude in the Northern Hemisphere, and are best observed with the naked eye well away from city lights. Last year a group of us traveled to a remote site to observe this shower and it was spectacular.
This year offers a particularly good opportunity for celebration. The night before the absolute peak is Sunday night, 10 August, when the moon will set a little after 11 p.m. to give ideal viewing conditions. So plan now to take in the Perseids with the naked eye -- all over.
Next, let's try to spend our birthdays in our Birthday Suits. I almost managed last year, when my birthday fell on a Saturday, and I have high hopes for this year, when my birthday falls on a holiday. It's fun to imagine some time in an enlightened future when all workers will get a personal holiday day for their birthdays and will be allowed to go nude everywhere as an observance.
Another good birthday tradition is the birthday photo, always taken at the same location from the same camera angle. The collection of these gives a time-lapse view of a person's life. I would argue that unless these photos are taken in the nude, what you've got is a distracting history of clothing styles instead of a personal portrait.
Actually, two series, one clothed and one not, might be even more fun. Clothing styles, which some people take very seriously, are always ridiculous in retrospect. Some young men parading around with reversed ball caps and pant crotches down to their knees and thinking themselves so cool (or 'bomb') are setting themselves up for gales of laughter from their future children who will see these costumes as "cute" and "quaint" and "old-fashioned" -- the same way some of us older folks (who once wore tie-dyes and head-bands) think of the clothing of the flappers of the '20s.
Last observance, Happy Nude Year's Day. Before midnight, 31 December, take all your clothes off and keep them off as long as possible. All day would be nice, all year would be ideal.
Cheers,
R.O. Despain
In a recent New Yorker article, Alison Rose interviews and extols women connected in one way or another with the bathing suit industry ("Bathing-Suit Heroines", (Vol LLXII, No. 23, August 12, 1996), pp. 30-33.).
Rose is definitely pro-bathing suit:
I remember most of the bathing suits from my California childhood. There was always something thrilling about the hottest part of summer and the feel of one on my body.... I remember being happy in that green bathing suit, bobby pins holding my hair on top of my head under the hot sun by the pool (p. 33).And all the women she interviews are also pro-bathing suit. But, by doing nothing but adding sub-heads to quotes from the piece, I think a case can be made for the opposite conclusion.
Bathing Suits Have Little to Do with Modesty (or, Swimming in Lingerie).
"Like all the suits on the show, you can see right through it when it's wet. People call her [Pamela Anderson] the trailer-park, all-American, shopping-mall Brigitte Bardot." -- Sydney Coale Philips, Baywatch lifeguard for three seasons (p. 31).Nor were things different in the past:Sydney also told me about some of the stuff she sees on the beach in real life: "Teeny-weeny bikinis you can see through, made of some kind of a lacy fabric. You may as well be nude on the beach. You can pay a hundred dollars or more for four square inches of fabric" (p. 32).
She [Esther Williams] told me about the suit she wore when she was fifteen, when she won the 1939 Nationals in Des Moines: "It was black, and it was totally transparent when it was wet. It was made of Chinese silk. It was like nothing on your body. And what you had to do was not notice that everything showed through. Your nipples -- there was nothing left to the imagination. We all wore them, and we quickly got towels around us. They were called racing suits, and they were like wisps of silk -- as if you had gone swimming in lingerie. And I think that helped a lot when I had to walk around a pool at M-G-M and be photographed. I had already got all that modesty thing taken care of, so I didn't kind of creep around -- because, you know, it's a proud thing to be a swimming champion. So I walked, instead of wishing I could crawl into my shoulder blades, you know?" (p. 32).But it's a proud thing merely to be a natural human being. Creeping is for that original subtle serpent who caused Eve to wear some sort of suit.
Bathing Suits Promote Body Hatred.
"Well, everybody does hate their body," Kathleen Mudd, the owner [of a bathing suit shop], tells me, in a level-headed [but ungrammatical] way. She sighs. "What they pick off the rack is usually the wrong thing. We help them, though, so they don't get depressed or run out of the store" (p. 32).I rest my case.A woman can find a way to detest every millimetre of her body when she puts on a bathing suit (p. 30).
I know an earlier joke, somewhat like this one. A housewife carries a load of laundry down to her basement and puts it in the machine. She notices that the clothes she's wearing are pretty grungy and puts them in too. She happens to notice some spider webs up on the ceiling and, finding a hockey stick in a corner, she picks it up to knock the spider webs down. She doesn't want spiders in her hair, so when she sees a football helmet on one of the shelves, she puts that on first.
Just as she starts in on the webs, the laundry room door opens and the gas meter man comes in [younger readers may find it difficult to believe, but not that long ago, gas meters were inside houses and meter readers went in houses to read them]. The woman freezes, hoping the meter man won't notice her. He reads the meter and, as he is leaving, says: "I don't know what game you're playing, lady, but I hope your team wins."
I was reminded of both of these jokes Sunday while dealing with a plumbing emergency. The basin faucets in my upstairs bathroom have been dripping and the drain starting leaking, turning the carpet into a dripping mess. I started my work by pulling the carpet up from the floor and wrestling the soaking mess out of the bathroom, out of the house, and onto the back lawn to dry. By the time I finished, I was a soaking mess.
But, since I don't wear clothes, it was a minor nuisance. I jumped in the shower, put on some clothes (since I was leaving the house), and drove to the hardware store for repair parts (but that's another story).
The point? Although our larger culture can recognize it only in jokes, sometimes the appropriate clothing for a job is none -- even if you're a nun or a housewife.
Q: I have a few questions concerning the original Olympics that were held in Greece. When and how did they get started?
A: Exactly when they started is unknown but records began in 776 B.C. They were originally religious exercises in honor of Olympian Zeus and had a religious function throughout their history.
Plutarch tells us (somewhere: when found, make a note of) that it was the Spartans rather than the Athenians that first competed in the nude. The other competitors quickly took it up and full nudity was in effect well before 776 B.C. Women were not admitted (they had their own nude religious ceremonies) but at some point, someone's mother sneaked in disguised as a trainer to watch her son. This scandalized the officials and they made a new rule that everyone -- competitors, coaches, judges -- had to be nude.
Q: When and why did they stop?
A: Christian fundamentalists (Emperor Theodosius I of Rome) stopped them at the end of the 4th Century.
Q: How did the current Olympics get started? Was this when the Olympics became "clothing compulsory"?
A: Who cares? The modern Olympics started in 1896 and quickly degenerated into a series of shams and scams. Currently, members of The Olympic Committee go from country to country taking bribes to consider places as sites for future Olympics. Salt Lake City has been in competition for the Winter Olympics for some time and such ass-kissing whenever any Committee Members are around is difficult to imagine.
As for most modern events, I think the words of H.D.F. Kitto are relevant: "As for the skill shown by modern champions in games like golf or billiards, the Greeks would certainly have admired it intensely, and thought it an admirable thing -- in a slave, supposing that one had no better use for a slave than to train him in this way. Impossible, he would say, to acquire skill like this and at the same time to live the proper life of a man and a citizen." (The Greeks, 1951, Penguin Books, p.174.)
Q: Has there been any attempt by anybody to return the Olympics to their roots?
A: Seen any worshipers of Zeus around lately? (Although Tom Paine, among others, holds that that's Who many Christians unknowingly worship as God the Father.) There are always nude competitions at nudist clubs and resorts but just recently many top US track and field athletes -- both men and women -- have been meeting quietly after major events to compete in the nude.
Q: What events were there in the original Olympics?
A: In the very beginning, just running contests. In classical times, according to H.D.F. Kitto: "The usual events were a sprint, of about 200 yards, the long race (1 1/2 miles), the race in armour, throwing the discus, and the javelin, the long jump, wrestling, boxing (of a very dangerous kind), and chariot racing. The great event was the pentathlon: a race, a jump, throwing the discus, and the javelin, and wrestling. If you won this, you were a man." (op cit., pp 173-4.)
[By the way, do you lack a public library? You can find a more factual treatment than this one in 15 seconds in any encyclopedia, although it will be devoid of sour opinion. On the other hand, this one was written and posted in the nude.]
Notes on Rafting Desolation and Gray Canyons, 1994 and 1995.
See one promontory (said Socrates of old), one mountain, one sea, one river, and see all.
--Robert Burton, Anatomy of Melancholy.
The two raft trips I took -- one in July, one in August -- had many of the same people and covered the exact same stretch of the river in the same Sunday to Friday time frame. The same people planned the menus for both trips and we had many of the same meals at the same times: steaks Sunday night, Tortilla casserole Wednesday, cheese burgers for Friday lunch.
The '94 trip was at low flow and that condition subtly determined much of the trip. Some of the rapids were a little more rocky than one would have wished; parts of the river were flat as a lake and made long hauls of rowing necessary; in one stretch, we had to unload the rafts and haul them over the shallows to continue the trip. It was hot, shade was often at a premium, no one wanted to row for long and people were a little on edge at times. I brought what I thought of as plenty of sunblock (spf 30) and wound up burnt by Thursday morning. I also brought plenty of insect repellent and didn't use a bit.
The '95 trip was at record high flow. Many rapids were washed out; no rowing was really necessary and everyone wanted to steer. We left camp late, took a leisurely lunch, and make camp early in the day. It was cool -- actually cold at times -- with stretches of rain. The wind was often annoying, blowing tents and smaller objects into the river, and people were on edge at times. I brought plenty of sunblock (spf 45) and wound up as pale as I'd started. Everyone also brought plenty of insect repellent and we all got got bitten to where we were downright lumpy.
Although we started at the same time on Sunday both years, we didn't camp in the same place once in the two trips. Most of the places we camped in '94 were under water in '95. Also, camping on the reservation was forbidden in '94 and permitted in '95, so we camped at some places where no one in the party, which contained some very experienced river runners, had ever camped before.
I'd seen one river in '94 and another in '95. I know I could take this trip every year and never exhaust its possibilities.
You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.
--Heraclitus, On the Universe.