Rish Reviews
Children . . . Things is one of my all-time favourite titles. But having seen it, I'm unsure that can continue. This movie was bad in ways Michael Jackson can never imagine.
As this movie began, I just wasn't getting it. As it continued, I sadly realized I wasn't going to get it. I then decided I would focus on enjoying it, regardless of its ultra-cheap, amateurish feel. I shouldn't have bothered, as it turned out to be crap.
Although the story was less coherent than a fever dream after food poisoning, and the performances like a drama class in Limbo, I think I can safely sum up what I despised about this film in one word: Alan Ormsby. His pretentious, prancing, pontificating character not only shamed corpse-loving, moustached, badly-dressed, effeminate, theater-types, but human beings everywhere.
Besides the title, there was one moment that I did like. After a successful (but highly implausible) practical joke, one of the jokees exclaims "I peed in my pants!" Then he says it again, and again, and again. And, just in case we didn't believe him the first time, he says it again. It did make me laugh. But it didn't make up for the rest of the film.
A popular cult favourite for three decades, I wouldn't use this film to wrap a soiled diaper. I hear people call it a classic, highly influential, outstanding, even campy, and I wonder if Mysterio from the old Spider-man comics is patrolling the local video store and following people home. But really, folks, this was one terrible movie. At the end, when it becomes a colour remake of Night of the Living Dead, even that was void of art, pacing, scares, tension, characters we gave a rodents nether regions about, all things Night had, regardless of its budget or shortcomings. We don't even get a satisfying payoff when Ormsby meets his overdue demise. No, ladies and gentlemen, children SHOULDN'T play with dead things. And some should leave filmmaking quite alone as well.
NOTE: I consider the recent The Dead Hate the Living! to be an unofficial sequel to CSPWDT. And I disliked that almost as much.
Posted: January 5, 2001

The tyranist's thoughts
What a terrible movie. From the insipid opening trudge to the pathetic final death throes, there wasn't a redeeming quality about this movie. Not one. Well, I do like the title.
A bunch of "actors" troop out to an island that is the home of an old cemetery. The purpose of said visit is pretty much unclear, but at one point a practical joke is pulled off. Then they try to raise the dead for reasons known only to them. Soon after that a few sick sequences involving a corpse occur. Then the dead do come to life and kill everyone.
Not a moment too soon.
I really wanted to like this movie. With a title that good, how could anyone have made something this terrible. It was quite apparent that large stretches of dialogue and action were improvised. Several of the characters were about as consistent as a schizophrenic. The very basic story idea is okay, but their expansion of it just gets worse and worse.
Praise has been inexplicably lauded on this movie over the years and I've even seen reviews that attribute elements to this movie that simply aren't there. Don't take anyone's word on this one. If you have the least inclination to see it, then do and make your own judgment. If you like it, well, that's up to you. But I trust that saner heads will prevail.
Posted: January 8, 2001