Audition
Preparation Questionnaire
Question #1: Can you sing? Yes ________ No ________
(Check one.)
If yes, please
take a number and continue to the line marked "SCIM" (Serious
Contender. Is Musical). If no, please take a number so we can all
pretend it matters and continue to the line marked "SCIH"
(Snowball's Chance. In Hell.) You may have noticed there is no Question
#2. We noticed that too.
The following
disclaimers are required by law in a parallel universe where a full
and honest disclosure of our business practices is required before
we irreversibly damage your career.
Disclaimer
A. Fairness in Judging
(Vocalists)
If you're a singer and you make a mistake, don't worry! Nobody's perfect.
It simply gives us a chance to show that we are kind and caring whenever
real, raw, potential profit has difficulty onstage. For example, if
you forget the lyrics, we'll give you another chance as long as you
have a heart-rending backstory. If you sing a song badly, we'll advise
you that the song choice just wasn't your style and we'll give you
another chance because we know we haven't seen you give the kind of
performance that will justify signing you to the producer's record
label.
(Non-Vocalists)
If you're not a singer and you make a mistake, don't
worry! Nobody's perfect. It simply gives us a chance to show that
we are discerning and skillful in judging who we want to win the "contest."
For example, if you expose an illusion, we won't give you another
take because we really hate it when somebody besides us has a secret.
If you try to be theatrical, comedic, ironic or poignant we won't
understand what you're doing because we don't know how to interpret
what we're watching if it requires us to pay attention and think.
We'll just assume you've screwed up.
Disclaimer
B. Producer Recommendations and Support
(Vocalists)
The producers reserve the right to make recommendations on improving
your act. Remember, the producers and judges all have experience in
the music industry. We know exactly what to do to help you look good
if you make it past the preliminary rounds. From voice coaching to
costuming to backup dancers to special effects, we've got you covered!
If you play any instruments while you sing, we'll even add a professionally
arranged track so that you can sound like dynamic musicians even when
you aren't playing.
(Non-Vocalists)
The producers reserve the right to make "recommendations"
on "improving" your act. Remember, the producers and judges
have no experience outside the music industry. We have no idea what
we would do with you if you somehow made it out of the preliminary
rounds. From forcing you to use your "B" material to editing
your act so that you are viewed unfavorably during broadcast, we will
shaft you! Our judges can find fault with anything, on cue, so that
you will be eliminated before the public voting has any chance whatsoever
to keep you in.
Disclaimer
C. The Vegas Hook and the Million Dollars
(Vocalists)
We know how important it is to you to headline in Vegas. Week after
week, we use "Vegas-quality" as the criteria for judging.
Vegas shows last about 90 minutes. This means that as long as you
can learn to sing more than one song, you get to keep going! Even
if you win, however, you should get a really good agent because "headline"
just means we have to put your name on a marquee somewhere. The rest
is up to you. And don't worry about the million dollars. We spend
more than that putting this show together every week. Besides, we
plan on signing you to a record contract when the contest is over
so we can make that money back, plus more, and even give you a percentage.
Everybody wins.
(Non-Vocalists)
We know how imporant it is to you to headline in Vegas. So if you
haven't already had that experience, good luck! Because even if you
have headlined in Vegas repeatedly in the past, you won't be getting
there again through us. (See Disclaimers "A" and "B"
above.) And don't worry about the million dollars. If we lost our
minds and allowed you to win, it would be paid as an annuity over
the next 40 years. After taxes, that comes out to $13,250 per year.
By the time our last payment rolls around, in the year 2048, that
should be enough money to keep gas in your car for a whole week!
Disclaimer
D. Current State of the Program
As we send this documentation to the network's legal department for
approval, we are looking forward to the start of the Finals for this
season's program. Thanks to our producers, we have refined our procedures
to such a degree that 1). Our ratings have never been better and 2).
There are no variety acts at all in the finals. Yes! Ten singers will
have the honor and privilege of vying for the grand prize. Of course,
there are one or two acts that don't stand a chance of winning. Crushing
the hopes of a four year-old girl is just good television. And those
guys who play the violins can at least do that "hip-hop"
thing, so if they win we can still cash in. Thankfully, there are
a couple of really talented people in the mix who happen to sing.
Safe and easy, just the way we like it. No matter who takes the prize,
we look forward to making profits on the winning act for years to
come.
If you didn't
comprehend the disclaimers above and you still plan on auditioning
for our next season, thank you! If it weren't for
you we'd have to stop misrepresenting what our show's intentions really
are. If it weren't for you, we'd have no one to embarrass themselves
(or let us do it for them) to build ratings during the early episodes.
We'd have to change the show's name to reflect what it really is:
American Idol for Non-Pop Singers.
P.S. From the
R&D Department. In keeping with the Vegas-quality criteria, please
keep the following in mind:
There's no room in Vegas for dancers.
There's no room in Vegas for comedy acts.
There's no room in Vegas for magicians.
There's no room in Vegas for jugglers, fire-eaters or sword-swallowers.
There's no room in Vegas for transgender or transsexual performers.
There's not even room in Vegas for acts like Cirque du Soleil.
There's only room for singers.
Season after season, year after year, we prove it!
